| the saddest monkey in the zoo |
[02 Dec 2007|10:41pm] |
I think about the future with him. A lot actually. Lately, it's all I think about. Before, it was just living in the now. Being with him was enough. But now... now I can't wait for things to come.
We've already talked about moving in together. Not right away of course. Probably not for another 2 years or so... at least. When we get a place together, we're getting a dog. A big dog.
I'll cook, he'll clean. We'll watch tv together at night... I might even watch football with him if he really wants (which I personally think is really lame... and for some reason it's very important to him...).
It sounds like a fairy tale to me. And I know it'll never be that perfect, but it's nice to dream. I know we'll fight like crazy and things will be shitty sometimes, but I look forward to that too.
Maybe it's because 6 months is right around the corner. Or maybe it's because we've recently been through something no couple wants to go through and it's shown me how wonderful he is. Either way, I can't wait for tomorrow, and the next day and the next day and the next.
I'm totally in love and I'm acting totally lame, but can you blame me?
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| <3 |
[16 Oct 2007|11:39pm] |
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I'm in love! real love.
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[22 Jan 2007|01:30am] |
happy birthday stephanie dudette!
lots o' love.
call me. we must chat.
love,
Emma.
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| for melanie! |
[08 Dec 2006|11:59am] |
my top 5 music videos and why i like them so.... (in no particular order)
Here it goes again - Ok Go
let's just say it's genius
my own worst enemy - lit
hilarious!
talk shows on mute - incubus
i just love it... it's kinda creepy too... with the animal people
cupid's chokehold - gym class hereos... both versions
It's just fun... and i like the sampling of supertramp.
makedamnsure - taking back sunday
I love the last bit.... when the stuff turns into other stuff... (great explanation!)
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| it's in the water baby... |
[11 Nov 2006|01:06am] |
things have just been taking a nosedive lately.
I have no concept of time anymore, which is just scary. Everything just seems to be a blur. Days go by and I don't even notice. The best way to describe this would be to say that I'm floating over time. I can remember what happened and I can tell you the date and time... but it doesn't really mean anything. This probably makes no sense to any of you, but it makes sense to me.
I think certain things have been causing me problems lately. The main problem is that I can't identify many of the things that seem to be bothering me. Which is classic for me... I've been in that sort of situation for the past year. The scariest part of the current situation is that I can identify at least once. I'm able to put my finger on one thing that is definately making my life way more complicated than it was before and I'm not sure how to react or how to deal. For most it must be easy. Once you know the problem, the solution would normally seem so clear... but it's not for me.
I'm getting closer with an old friend/flame of mine and it's bringing nothing but bad news. He's in a serious relationship (and I mean SERIOUS) with someone else yet still talks to me about all the intimate times we shared together... and how great it would be if we had continued to see (and sleep) with eachother. Most times I want to tell him to fuck off... but something stops me. I'm not sure if it's the notion that people like being desired. And I do. I like to have someone want me. But there's something more to this. This is the first time that we've actually had a some-what civilized conversation with eachother and I'm afraid that if I tell him how I really feel then I'm going to lose a good friend. Because how I truly feel wouldn't be nice to hear. I want to tell him that my life is now 10 times more complicated than it was before. Now that I'm talking to him again and he brings up all these details about our relationship... it just fucks me up. I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but something about him is very appealing to me and keeps me coming back for more. And it's like torture. Because my brain is saying no... but every other part of me is saying yes.
I don't know what to do anymore. Even my mother is concerned about my mental health these days. That's actually not so unusual... but this time, she's REALLY concerned. And that makes me concerned... which in turn just makes me paranoid. I just want all of this to end. I want to turn this around, but I'm not sure how to... or even if I can.
I really don't want to go on medication again. And I really don't want to see anymore psychologists. I feel that talking to them is just a waste of my time. I'm never completely honest with them. And I also find it so hard to talk to someone who is judging you so objectively.
I'm just really dizzy. I think I'll go bed.
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[29 Oct 2006|12:40am] |
dear everyone:
I have an extra ticket to see k-os on wednesday night in Toronto. If you want to go, let me know.
Emma
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[27 Oct 2006|04:35pm] |
i had a few things i wanted to say.... but I've forgotten them.
My birthday was half-a-success. The people I really wanted there came out, which is good. My room mate's are douche bags and didn't come out. Even though I told them a month in advance what we were doing and they promised they would be there.
One of my room mate's is really pissing me off. If any of you know me, you know I smoke some weed every now and then. Well... she asks me quite often "hey emma, do you want to get baked tonight?"... and who's weed do we ususally smoke? Oh that's right... mine. I wasn't that concerned at first, because I get it for free... but after awhile, it just gets annoying. She had told me that we were going to smoke a really big joint for my birthday... and i asked her "with my weed?". Also, whenever she gets high... she just goes ON AND ON AND ON about herself. I'm sorry if these seem like really stupid reasons to be pissed... but this is just the icing on the cake.
I'm broke, I have insane credit card bills... My phone bill is through the roof, i need to take my driver's test, there's no sun outside and everything just fucking sucks.
I need something to take my mind off of shit. I totally thought things were getting better but they're only getting worse... I hate this.
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| why'd you have to be so cute? |
[11 Oct 2006|11:08pm] |
I AM ALIVE!
My old hard drive went to heaven. But I have a new one now! hooray!
so anyways, life is ok. my birthday is coming up, which is shweet.
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[09 Aug 2006|07:43pm] |
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When you lose faith, how do you have the faith to find it again?
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[01 Aug 2006|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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I've been getting lazy with writing lately. Which is really unfortunate, because I have so much to say. And now, when I finally do have time to sit down and sort all my thoughts, I realize that there are too many to even think about, let alone organize.
I think my lack of motivation for things is reaching an all new high. I find myself sitting here (in the horrible heat) not wanting to do anything. I kind of feel like I'm wasting my brain and letting it turn to mush. But at the same time, I've been using the excuse that it's too hot to do anything. And it seriously is. It's too hot in my house, it's too hot outside... and I'm stuck. I'm stuck staying inside where at least I have shade and fans. And I sit there. Not doing anything.
To make matters worse, I just picked up 2 new books. (You know, to go along with the other 3 i'm currently reading). I'm finding that everything is so fucking unorganized... even my reading habits. How bad is that?
So what do you do? Normally, people would re-organize... but I can't be bothered.
talk with you guys soon i guess.
end transmition.
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[05 Jul 2006|01:52pm] |
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What posessed me to decide NOT to do camp this year is cmpletely beyond me.
I went to visit eco-adventure camp yesterday (originally Nature camp) and had an insane amount of memories come flooding back. I saw Shawn Jackson who's one of my first campers ever. I also saw Bryce (B-money!!!!!!) and kathy... and that chick that looks like christina ricci. I forget her name... meredith? or something? ANYWAYS. I want to go back. So I think i'm going to call mel and see if she needs guest speakers.
Oh well. I guess I'll have to do something else.
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| takin' care of business... everyday! |
[25 Jun 2006|12:48am] |
i just met Burton Cummings and Randy Bachman from The Guess Who.... two of Canada's biggest Rock Legends.
I love today.... seriously.
best. day. ever.
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| when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home... |
[20 Jun 2006|01:15am] |
I started my new book today. I'm going to post the prologue, let me know what you think. My goal is to have the first draft done between 4 and 5 months from now. After that, I'll do a little editing and get my godfather to do some editing as well. Then hopefully we can eventually get it sent to his publisher. Anyways, here's the first bit.
Prologue
I bet I can read your mind. In fact, I know exactly what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking “I bet she has no fucking clue what I’m thinking right now” or “How could she possibly know that?” Am I right? Of course I am. Now you’re thinking “Damn, she got me.”
But what you’re really wondering deep down is what this is about. Well that’s why I wrote this part of the book before I even started any other part of it. This is to quickly explain what you are about to read. This is a love story, this is a tragedy, this is a psychological thriller, this is a horror story, this is a comedy and this is a mystery. It’s self-discovery. It’s about me, my life, who I’ve met and what I have experienced in my short years.
Now you’re thinking “But why? I’ve lived my own life and had experiences of my own and don’t need to hear about anyone else’s.” That’s fine. If that’s how you feel, put down the book. But if you are interested, then read on. I have much to offer.
People say write what you know. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m writing what I know. And what I finally do know, and quite possibly the only thing I know, is me. It took some time, but I’ve finally cracked the code. I’ve finally figured most of it out. I’ve finally solved the mystery. Or maybe I haven’t. Maybe I’m bullshitting all of you. That would be very like me. Telling you that this is the real deal when really, the real deal has nothing to do with this. The real deal might be that I wrote this because I want to be famous and make money off of it. The real deal might also be because I want to write.
Someone once told me that words are powerful. Words can scar and words can heal. They can give you hope, they can scare the shit out of you. Words can change the world. Maybe that’s the real deal. Maybe I’m trying to accomplish something with words. Change the world for at least one person.
I hope these words scar you, heal you, give you hope and also scare the shit out of you. But most of all, I hope they make a difference and maybe change your world.
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| dying of heat |
[17 Jun 2006|06:54pm] |
it's too hot here.
it's hotter than it is outside... but it's too hot outside too.
so i'm sitting here half-naked and frequently sticking my head in the freezer.
summer is balls sometimes.
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[09 Jun 2006|03:14am] |
I just don't even know what to say about tonight.
Let's just say that I'm giving up on the whole bar scene.
I drove us to the bar tonight because I wasn't going to drink. And I didn't. I sipped on diet coke and water all night. Drunk people just piss the shit out of me. I was having a pretty good time though... but I was really tired. Michelle and Meaghan came out and they were hilarious.
When we got home, Jamie's friend was here and he let her reverse his car (which is stick shift... which she's never driven before) out of the driveway. She ended up hitting the neighbor's house and totalling the back of his car. I had to call the cops and say that someone hit his car while pulling into our driveway and that we didn't know who did it. At least with a police report, he would be able to go through isurance.
Then I got bossy with Michelle. I know that it happens sometimes... ok... most times. I can be bossy... and I know it. But today was just bad. I kicked her out of my room for a minute because she dropped her smoke in here and I was helping her find. I thought I'd have better success on my own. (I didn't).
The night itself doesn't even sound that bad... but there's a hell of a lot more that just pissed me off as well which I'm not about to write in here.
Oh what a night... i'm so angry and so tired.. but I can't let myself sleep right now.
Emma out.
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[08 Jun 2006|10:10pm] |
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we're supposed to go out, but i'm pissed.
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| take me to the river... |
[02 Jun 2006|12:30pm] |
I love Daytona Beach.
Day #1: Went shopping in Buffalo with mom, holly and michelle. I managed to smuggle some illeagal substance over the border completely by accident. I saw Kate in the mall which was really cool... not to mention REALLY weird. Michelle and I got really bored waiting for my mom and my sister to finish shopping... so we just hung out and played "eye spy" for an hour. We got the airport and had to wait for a good two hours before we could board, but that was okay, because we had books and my ipod to keep us entertained.
We got into Atlanta before Orlando for about 10 minutes. Our stop over was supposed to be for an hour, but it clearly wasn't. We got off the plane, went to the washroom and then ended up getting back on right after.
Getting into Orlando was amazing. The weather was so warm and it was really late (12:30am!) We grabbed our luggage and as soon as we stepped outside, Steph showed up to take us to Daytona. She took us to Steak n' Shake (which just happens to be the worst restaurant in the world). We had some IDIOT waitor who didn't know what he was doing.
After that, we went to the condo to get some shut-eye. Steph and I ended up staying up for another couple of hours just talking. We finally fell asleep.
Day #2: I woke up and went grocery shopping with Steph. We also stopped at crabby joe's (it's a restaurant on a pier) for some breakfast. It was delicious. We got back to the condo to find Michelle wide awake. We then got some money and headed to the liquor store to stock up on alcohol for the week.
During the day, Michelle and I spent our time on the beach enjoying the wonderful weather and warm ocean. We came back inside for come cocktails.
For dinner, my aunt Nadine picked us up and we headed to the North Turn for some fried shrimp and beer. After that, we went to the Lighthouse restaurant for more beer... and.... GATOR. Yes, I ate gator. and it tastes just like chicken. Very chewy chicken. After the lighthouse restaurant, we met my uncle Noel for dessert... and yes... you guessed it... more beer.. at the inlet harbour.
Nadine drove us back to the condo and I was already mostly drunk. Then we get a call from Steph saying that she wants to come and drink with us. So we get some shots ready for everyone and start to drink a hell of a lot more. Then... we ended up skinny dipping in the pool and getting kicked out of it... then streaking on the beach... and then causing some hardcore debauchery on the strip of Daytona. We stole a stop sign, obstructed a lane of traffic and climbed a pile of gravel. After that, we decided that it was time for a bath, and then some shut eye.
Day #3: Michelle, Steph and I all wake up hungover. Steph and I clean the condo and make everything look nice. Steph left for work and Michelle and I headed to the beach for another day in the sun. That night, we stayed in and didn't drink or anything. We made spaghetti for dinner and just hung out watching TV and enjoying the evening.
Day #4: Another day of sunshine! Michelle and I just hung out at the beach and took turns in the condo. There was a man there fixing the hurricane shutters, so we had to hang out and make sure nothing got broken or damaged. In the afternoon, we went to the beach together and met a friend named John. He was a nice dude. That night, we again, just hung out and had a good time with eachother. We had a few drinks and ended up catching a crab named tony. He was a pretty cool dude.
Day #5: We woke up and again, just spent our day on the beach. We hung out with our new friend john for a bit and enjoyed the sunshine. We went out for crab that night and ended up eating a pound of it each. We were so full, but it was so delicious. Cory, Steph and Bennet came over for a night of hardcore drinking. This included skinny dipping and streaking again. I had some really good conversations with Bennet about American politics and the army. There was A LOT of drama that night though. Stephanie took off and ended up driving home. Then she ended up back at the condo somehow and things were just fucked up. But we all still tried to have an amazing time.
Day #6: Cory and Bennet took us out for breakfast which was nice. I was in a really bad mood all morning. So when we got back, I just went upstairs to enjoy some time to myself. I ended up falling asleep after about 10 minutes and spent the day sleeping. It was good though, because it ended up raining! Our first (and only) day of bad weather and I missed it!
Day #7: We had to be out of the condo by 1pm, so the morning was spent cleaning and packing. After we were done though, we headed to the beach/pool for the rest of the day. Steph took us back to Nadine's house and we found out that we were locked out of the house. We had to wait until someone got home to let us in. What we ended up doing though was going to the Boondock's (best restaurant ever) to meet Nadine and Noel. Steph got the garage door opener from Noel so that she could get ready for work. We had delicious food and Noel took us for a ride in his little motor boat for a while. We went and had some beers and helped save a stranded boat. That night, we had dinner at Nadine's and went to the Ocean's Deck for drinks after. The Ocean's Deck is the coolest bar I've ever been to ever in life. You can walk out onto the beach with your drink! They also have this amazing reggae band play. Everyone there is so happy. We went back to Nadine and Noel's and enjoyed the rest of our evening with some more cocktails and sleeping.
Day #8: This day was spent on the sailboat! We took the whole day and went sailing. It was beautiful. We saw jellyfish everywhere and went swimming in the beautiful ocean water. It was the nicest and most relaxed day ever. I spent the whole day sleeping on the beautiful boat enjoying the sunshine. My ass got really burnt though.
That night, we went back to Nadine and Noel's sans the hosts and ended up spending the night with Steph and Andrew there. We watched the funniest Dane Cook DVD ever and just had a good time all around.
Day #9: DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!! This day was absolutely amazing. We went on every single ride we could there (except for the buzz lightyear one, the lilo and stich one and the dumbo one... I was sad about dumbo, but no one would go on with me). The only thing you need to know about this day was that it ruled and I loved it.
Day #9: This was our last full day in Florida. We woke up late, grabbed some lunch and went jet skiing! It was awesome and we met this super nice dude who ended up giving us a ride to the beach. The beach was FREEZING cold because there was so much wind and we were forced to walk all the way to publix (the grocery store) and buy groceries for dinner that we made our gracious hosts. We made BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, salad and green beans.
After dinner, Steph came home and told me that Cory was coming by to give me a ride on his motorcycle. That made my day. I had never been on a motorcycle before and it was the coolest thing in the whole entire world. After the motorcyle ride, I went to bed.
Day #10: The day we left. I cried, Steph cried. I don't want it to be another year until we see eachother again. As much as we fight and get pissed with eachother sometimes, we are honestly so close.
I was so tired this day. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the Orlando airport, on the plan to Atlanta, on a table in the Atlanta airport and then went right to bed as soon I got home from Buffalo.
All in all, this was an amazing trip. We had such a good time, but I'm really glad to be home and back to real life. At least for a little while. I won't lie... I can't wait to go again.
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[19 May 2006|02:24am] |
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I have had one shitty night. It's been a horrible mix of fucked up emotions about stupid shit.
I did it again. I deleted everyone. I'm on my own once again and I can't wait.
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[18 May 2006|01:39pm] |
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music |
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My Blue Heaven - Taking Back Sunday |
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I'm leaving on sunday. can't wait. And now... for a thing with stuff about me.
p.s. hello to jeffers who will now be reading this.
SIMPLE QUESTIONS:
1. Name: Emma
2. Nicknames: Emmers, Ems, Em, E-ma... i think that's about it these days
3. Shoe size: you know what they say about a girl with big feet.... they don't say anything.
4. Height: 6'0
5. Hair: reddish brownish
6.Siblings: Holly... she's pretty sweet
7. Do you like to sing in the shower? hellz yeah... i like to sing everywhere
8. Do you like to sing? yes yes i do!
9. Birthday: ROCKtober 25th
10. Sign: Scorpio
11.Lefty or righty? Righty
12. Shoes or sandals? Sandals
13. Coke or Pepsi? meh... diet coke
14. What do you want in a relationship?: a man to start off with please. after that, as long as they're completely honest with me, i think i'm pretty good. lying has been the killer of each of my relationships
15. Have you ever cheated? no
"FAVOURITE" QUESTIONS:
17. Song (right now)? hmm... probably Snow (hey oh) by the red hot chilli peppers... I'm also really into xavier rudd these days... so stuff by him
20. Number? 13 and 85
21. Card game? pyramid or crazy 8's
22. Radio station? hmmm i'm going to have to go with edge 102 here. but i'm really liking the western radio station here sometimes. they're playing some sweet tunes lately
23. Sports? what is sports?
24. Food? not deep fried iced cream that's for sure... i really like salad... seriously. so yummy
27. Cartoon: 6teen, family guy... that's about it
28. Character: me
29.Colour? pink
A LITTLE BIT O' THIS, A LITTLE BIT O' THAT :
30. Do you plan on having kids? eventually
31. How many do you want? 2... i think
32. What's something you can't wait to say? "hahha... you were listening to my vacation cdc in the shower loser! you were listening to DEVO!... p.s. give that back to me... i need it"
33. Get married? one day
34. Would you have kids before marriage? i don't want to... but if it happens, then it happens
35. You have a b/f or g/f? ha. no. and i seriously don't want one. men piss me off
36. Do you have a crush: i won't lie... yeah i do on a dude that's seeing some other girl. the bitch.
37. What hurts you the most? falling out of a tree?
38. Music/TV: Music
39. Guys/Girls: Guys
40. Green/Blue: both. take that survey
41. Pink/Purple: Pink
42. Summer/Winter: Summer
43. Night/Day: Night
44. Hanging Out/Chillin: definately chillin'... because when i chill, i'm generally stoned out of my mind... and i quite enjoy that feeling
45. Dopey/Funny: funny.... dopey is stupid
46. You know I'm around when you hear: someone singing bette midler
47. What school do you go to? Funshawe
48. Do you enjoy what you do? hellz no.
49. What's a major turn on for you? nicee upper arms. seriously... they make me weak in the knees
FRIENDS
50. Who Are They? There's lots!
51 Most blonde: caldwell
52. Nicest: michelle
53. Funniest: michelle, dudette, caldwell, jay
54. Tallest Friend: Christopher for sure.... he's a tall dude.
55. What's the worst thing you could do to your friend: i've probably already done it
58. Is it right to flirt if you have a g/f or b/f:? depends on the situation. if there are free drinks involved, then i am all for it.
OTHER RANDOM QUESTIONS...
59. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? the fact that kevin is a douchebag
60. What's something about guys/girls you don't get? how they think
61. What do you want right now? 8pm suunday to come faster!
62. What's one thing you can't live without? air
63. Love or Lust: i've never been in love! so lust it is
64. Silver or Gold: white gold... it's silver in colour
65. Diamonds or pearls: both
66. Sunrise or sunset: i like sunrise better... but i never get to see them
67. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? yeah
68. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: freddy the teddy is usually somewhere on the bed
69. Do you have any piercings: just one... some friends know where it is... some friends have seen where it is... .haha lowe's birthday. that night was bad
70. What color underpants are you wearing right now? transparent ones.... aka i am panty-less
71. What song are you listening to right now? Liar (It takes one to know one) - Taking Back Sunday
72. What are the last 4 digits of your home phone: 2717 and 8321
73. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon? somewhere cool
74. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Brandon Boyd from Incubus
75. What are some of the first things you notice about the opposite sex? oh you know... what they look like
76. What makes you happy? Paxil... it's true
77. What's the next CD(s) you're going to get? the crash test dummies... haha. i have no idea... whatever pops out at me
78. Do you wear contacts or glasses? no
79. What was the best advice ever given to you? cell phones are key when you don't know where you're driving and end up in Kleinburg.... where the fuck is kleinburg? (berg)?
81. Do you like Funny or Scary movies better? Both
82. On the phone or in person? In person
83. Hugs or kisses? i enjoy both
84. What song seems to reflect you the most? on your porch - the format
85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? I actually thought about this. I want Holly to have all my cds, I want my parents to have the majority of it. I want michelle to take whatever she feels she wants/needs.... i'd probably leave my journals to her. i don't really know why though. and my friends can just take what they want.
86. Do you have any enemies? yeah... that bitch that took my man. and that man that left me for that bitch
87. Who was the last person to hug you? michelle
88. Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich
89. What time is it in Albania now? who cares? i'm not in albania
90. What time is it where you are now? 2:05pm
91. Have u ever met Santa? yeah... and i met the real one at sherway gardens. seriously. he was the real santa. i'm not even kidding. ask my sister
92. Name something or someone pretty: Emma
93. When did you last talk to the person that you like? last wednesday
94. Do you have any pets? we have isabelle here. and i have bear at home... but i'm getting my own puppy... and his name will be conan
95. Who was the last person you danced with? myself
96. Last time you were stressed: can't remember
97. Are you an alcoholic? only on wednesdays and thursdays
98. Who sent this to you: i took it from melissa lowe
99. What do you think of this person? she's the best. i love her. she lets me visit when i have no where else to go
100. Do you want people to send this back? no
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